My Children Want You to Know
My children are both diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I wrote this to address some of the misconceptions and stereotypes about autism, and to help their voices be heard.
My children want you to know that being of few words does not mean being of little intelligence.
My children want you to know that being socially awkward doesn't mean they cannot be wonderful, kind, loving, and loyal friends.
My children want you to know that they may flap their arms, rock, hum, or spin because they need to, not because they are brats with little self-control who wish to irritate you.
My children want you to know that they are not "picky", "wussy" or "incorrigible" because they cannot tolerate certain lights, sounds, fabrics, or foods. They experience the world quite differently than you do from a sensory standpoint, and they are doing their best to process and handle all of it. Think of having the volume turned up on every one of your senses at all times.
My children want you to know that most people have a "sensory gatekeeper" in their brain which filters out unnecessary sensory input. They do not have this feature. Imagine being overwhelmed by unnecessary sensory input from all directions all at once and having to manually sort it all, when you are a child, and being called a "brat" if you get frustrated.
My children want you to know that they do not lack self-control. They require ten times as much self-control as most children because their environment is more distracting and abrasive than you might be able to imagine.
My children want you to know that humiliation as a tactic to get them to behave more typically does not work, and will simply make them fearful, ashamed, and unwilling to trust people in the future.
My children want you to know that they interpret their world very literally, so they may not understand metaphor and figures of speech and interpret them as a literal statement. This does not mean they are stupid, it just means they think differently than you do.
My children want you to know that they are not rude or mean, they are just very honest about how they perceive the world and do not automatically filter their responses for the sake of politeness. This is not a choice, they simply think logically more than emotionally when evaluating their environment and ask questions about what they see, hear or experience. They do not wish to offend anyone. On the bright side, you will always know exactly where you stand with them and it is almost impossible for them to lie. Almost.
My children want you to know that there is a difference between a temper tantrum and a meltdown. While both may look extremely similar (to the point mom and dad might have trouble discerning the difference) the cause of each is quite different, and so is the solution. Discipline will not fix a meltdown. Unkind words about our "poor parenting" and telling us that a good spanking is in order will not yield a positive result. When an autistic child is experiencing a meltdown, they need the offending presence to be removed. This usually means moving to a quiet place, being held close (my son) or being given some space (my daughter) to be able to find equilibrium again. If my son has to hum while he walks and spin when he must stay in one place during a trip to a crowded mall, deal with it. Dealing with it is exactly what he is doing.
My children want you to know that they are not sad because they do not experience the world in the way you do. Their experience is all they know and they find it quite normal. What they struggle with is when people question and criticize their view of the world and say that it is defective or wrong. How would you like it if someone told you you were wrong for the way you experienced the world around you, or tried to force you to see it and react to it their way?
My children have autism. They also have hopes, dreams, goals, talents, creativity, love, kindness, compassion, a sense of humor, intelligence, interests, personalities, wishes, and people who love them very much for exactly who they are. My children want you to know that they are valuable, lovable, precious individuals who have so much to offer this world, if only you will see them for who they are.
About the author, Shannon Bonnette.
Posted in:
- Advocacy
- asperger's syndrome
- autism
- autism spectrum
- autism women's network
- autistic
- AWN
- children
- my children want you to know
- PDD-NOS
- shannon bonnette
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Hmm.Well, where I work, we're really a mixed bunch. Out of the 11 of us, I'm an autie, two are pralobby ADD (one hyper, one not so much), one is epileptic, two are from foreign countries, and my boss is borderline manic depressive. So 'normal' doesn't have much to do with anything here to begin with, and that's good.As far as specific things... having a niche is very important. I do all the department's computer work, typing, making fliers, making the monthly newsletter, all that stuff. I'm also the tech monkey for events... I set up the speakers or CD player or whatever and then retreat behind my camera to take pictures instead of having to work the crowd like my co-workers do. It's good to know ahead of time exactly what I'll be doing when there's a big stressful event like that. We also have a daily task form that the boss fills out every night for the next day, which is very, very helpful. I'd prefer to have a firm schedule each week, but where I work that isn't practical, so knowing a day ahead what I'm going to be expected to do is a good compromise. Working with the same people every day, instead of in a retail situation where you see hundreds of different people and then never see them again, also has its advantages - I often have to think for a day or so to come up with a good explanation of things, and this way I actually have an opportunity to do that.My boss and co-workers do know that I'm an autie; I don't keep that a secret in general anyway. Some people outside the department know, too, but I haven't actually told the supervisors above my boss. I'm careful to explain the advantages when I first tell someone about it, but I bring up the challenges, too... my first description is usually along the lines of "I have a very different set of strengths and weaknesses than most people - I'm great with computers and math and crafts and things, but that's at the expense of some weird things like recognizing faces or easily remembering to say 'hello' to people." I've had some people be slightly incredulous but other than that I haven't had any problems, and I've found out that two people in other departments that I see regularly have family members who are autistic, so that's pretty cool.
Thank you. I shared this message on Facebook with the hopes that my friends and family will share it as well. It describes my austistic children to a T. To me, this is truly the ultimate message of awareness and understanding. It informs people that our children are unique in their own ways and that is a good thing. If only everyone would be informed and tolerant of our children's uniqueness, the world would be much easier for our kids.